Abbott and Costello
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch “Who's on first?” might have turned out something like this today:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue “w” if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue “1”.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in “office for windows”!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”……….
{author unknown}
Phishing, Carding, and Spoofing Scams
All about Phishing (also known as Carding and Spoofing) …
Phishing For Suckers: Don’t let your customers fall for the latest in e-mail scams
VarBusiness, January 2004
Spam News Articles Archive
Here are links previously featured on the main pages of GeeksBearingGifts.Com:
Anti-Spam Bills in the Works
eWeek, August 2002
Washington Bids to Can Spam
eWeek, May 2003
War on Spam Gains 2 Allies
eWeek, May 2003
Legislation and technology advances aim to stop the delivery of unwanted email
May 2003
Throwing the book at spam
Infoworld, July 2003
Can-Spam Act Can't Can Spam
InformationWeek, February 2004
Interview with Domain Registry of America
Email Interview with “Simon” (no last name given), minimal editing, all questions accepted with permission to post under condition of posting response in entirety, and request not to submit as part of any article for a publication.
GBG: What is your position at Domain Registry of America?
Simon: I am one of the [general] supervisors.
GBG: Your company has been accused of “slamming”, or tricking customers into switching registrars. A number of other registrars have had similar accusations made against them. What is your response to this?
Simon: The accusations are false. It is IMPOSSIBLE to switch from one registrar to another without responding to a series of transfer request emails. Nobody can be “tricked” when their verification is required 5 times in order to complete the transfer of registrars. These accusations of “slamming” only come from competing firms of ours.
GBG: How many mail pieces prompting a switch in service do you send out in a n average month, and which domain roles do you solicit mail to – all of them, just administrative, billing, technical?
Simon: We do not give out company strategies and every month is different depending on our market research. [And] we have spent a lot of money researching this and we are not in a possession to give out such info. We’re a private company so I have to keep some things that way.
GBG: From your experience, is the person managing a domain (i.e. someone who deals with their current registrar) usually well informed on domain issues, or someone who is just in charge of paying bills or other business process, such as a typical small business owner?
Simon: It varies. We deal with a wide variety of clientele from farmers in the valley with one single domain to hosting companies that register hundreds of domains with us on a monthly basis. We treat every customer with the same level of professionalism and appreciation. Our customers will confirm this fact.
GBG: In an earlier conversation, you stated “It is impossible for anyone to switch to our company by mistake,” and that “A series of electronic confirmations are required in order to transfer a domain from one company to another. This method avoids any confusion.” Please tell us a little about this process and how it may prevent unwanted switching.
Simon: Without registrant consent, the transfer of a domain CANNOT take place. The emails state very clearly who the losing and gaining registrars are. NOBODY has EVER accidentally switched to our company. It is impossible. It CANNOT happen.
As for the process, here goes: [1] We obtain authorization from the registrant who has the authority to legally bind the registered name holder. [2] The form of authorization is an email link to our website to which the individual of authority must approve or disapprove of the transfer. As the gaining registrar we are required to retain a record of the authorization and as such we maintain the time, date, decision, and IP address. [3] Once approval is provided a transfer request is issued to reflect the new registrar in the Registry database. Both the registrant and the losing registrar MUST either approve or disapprove the request. [4] Once the transfer is completed both the losing and gaining registrar are informed of this by the Registry Operator (Verisign) and in turn the gaining registrar informs the individual of authority who initiated the transfer. [5] Once approval is provided to us, we initiate a transfer request to reflect us as the new registrar in the Registry database. Our automated system approves the transfer requests. [6] Once the transfer is completed both the losing and gaining registrars are informed of this by Verisign and in turn the new registrar informs the individual of authority who initiated the transfer.
There are a total of 5 emails to be verified before the transfer of a domain to our company can complete.
GBG: How often do you receive customer service inquiries about people having switched, or making a payment to switch, by mistake?
Simon: Every so often we will get a call from a customer who has sent us payment by accident, as do other identities as well. However once they get one of our customer service representatives on the phone, they usually decide to remain with our company. You see, one thing this industry is severely missing is customer service. Until now, domain holders have been dealing with registrars that keep their clientele on a 20 minute wait before an operator even answers, only to be discouraged with the lack of assistance they are provided. It is for this very reason our company grew so fast; our customer (and technical) support is second to none. We guarantee it. Customer care is as important as your service or product. There are many registration companies that don’t even provide a phone number in which they can be reached, and these are BIG organizations.
I urge anyone to test Domain Registry of America on our customer support. As well, we are the only company I know of that will actually respond to email inquiries AND within an hour.
GBG: After the FTC statement … have there been any significant changes in the snail mail marketing materials or related processes? And if changes were made, have you received fewer complaints since that time?
Simon: If you READ the FTC statement (albeit lengthy) it states nowhere about changes having to be made to our mail outs. The only change we were required to make was that we are no longer able to charge an administration fee when processing a refund (we lose money in the process). The “Important Notice” was removed and changed to “Domain Name Renewal Notice” but we suggested that to the FTC as they felt Important notice was a bit strong
It’s funny how people see our name on the FTC website and assume the worst. People don’t take the time to READ the article. It’s these same types of people that don’t actually READ our solicitation. People don’t read.
GBG: I noticed in a recent mailing, you talk up front about “switching”, yet my client almost mailed you a check, thinking it was necessary to keep their name.
Simon: But your client DIDN’T mail the payment. Obviously they understood they are not obligated to pay us anything. In fact, it even states within our letter that no one is under any obligation to use our services.
GBG: Your mailing makes clear warnings of various potential losses by not renewing a domain name, which some critics online have called a “fear tactic” to prompt action. Considering the mailings are sometimes many months before renewal is required, what is the reason for the language in the mailing?
Simon: I don’t agree that our mailing is a “fear tactic.” However I will say that it is aggressive. In the world of business you have to be. We didn’t want to be another fly by night registrar that sits back and waits for the business to come to them. Where do you think those businesses are now? The language in the mailings is quite clear if one READS it.
Anybody can be an “online critic.” That’s the problem with the Internet – suddenly EVERYBODY has a forum to voice their opinions. There are forums online where people criticize everything from the war on terrorism to Gap commercials.
GBG: Is there any consideration when mailing as to how soon a domain name is about to expire?
Simon: It doesn’t matter. Sometimes we renew domains that still have years left in their terms. The reason for this is because we add the years on to the existing term. In other words, no one loses time on the domain they have already paid for.
GBG: There is news of your company’s recent expansion in marketing to the UK. Is there any information you’d like to share about marketing initiatives in other countries?
Simon: Like most businesses, we’re looking to expand. There are great opportunities abroad, and there are several competitors of ours doing business in places offering customer service that doesn’t compare to ours. We’re hoping to eventually tap that market also. It will take some time for new markets to warm up to us, but once they start communicating with us they will see how easy we are to deal with. As I said before, customer care goes a long way and ultimately prevails. Just like North America, other markets WILL appreciate our service and competitive pricing.
For the record, here is the letter received, and when asked what they thought it was, the response (coming from a paralegal) was
I opened the letter from that group and I thought that it was an invoice that we had to pay to keep our name registered.
Yes, if you read it through, I as someone who deals with the web find it clearly not an invoice, but the question remains: would the average person take the time to read something that might be a bill about a service they may not be clear about, or just pay it to avoid the repercussions stated in the letter?
Decide for yourself.
DROA_Mailing (PDF)
Microsoft Soup
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Computer Haiku
I don't know to to attribute to these, as they have been published in so many places, often with conflicting names. Please don't sue me … just enjoy.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Green Eggs and RAM
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
When your system’s gone ker-whumpus, and your hard drive’s gone berserk,
And the ether on the net makes your mouse real slow to work,
We request that you remember, next time your system’s froze,
– Attributed to an unusually large percentage of any given person on planet Earth
Swiss Bank Scam
I got two of these emails from [email]richardstilone@wooow.it[/email] – I don't know how the scam works, but I'm smart enough to know it IS a scam, and probably an offshoot of the Nigerian scams.
My name is Dr.Richard Stilone, a member of Independent Committee of Eminent
Persons (ICEP), Switzerland.
ICEP is charged with the responsibility of finding bank accounts in Switzerland
belonging to non-Swiss indigenes, which have remained dormant since World
War II.
It may interest you to know that In July of 1997, the Swiss Banker's Association
published a list of dormant accounts originally opened by non-Swiss citizens.These accounts had been dormant since the end of World War II (May 9, 1945).
Most belonged to Holocaust victims.
The continuing efforts of the Independent Committee of Eminent Persons (ICEP)
have since resulted in the discovery of additional dormant accounts – 54,000,000
in December, 1999.
The published lists contain all types of dormant accounts, including interest-bearing
savings accounts, securities accounts, safe deposit boxes, custody accounts,
and non-interest-bearing transaction accounts.
Numbered accounts are also included. Interest is paid on accounts that were
interest bearing when established.
The Claims Resolution Tribunal (CRT) handles processing of all claims on
accounts due non-Swiss citizens.
A dormant account of ORDNER ADELE with a credit balance of 100,000,000 US
dollar plus accumulated interest was discovered by me.
The beneficiary was murdered during the holocaust era, leaving no WILL and
no possible records for trace of heirs.
The Claims Resolution Tribunal has been mandated to report all unclaimed
funds for permanent closure of accounts and transfer of existing credit balance
into the treasury of Switzerland government as provided by the law for management
of assets of deceased beneficiaries who died interstate (living no wills).Being a top executive at ICEP, I have all secret details and necessary contacts
for claim of the funds without any hitch.
The funds will be banked in the Cayman Island, being a tax free, safe haven
for funds and we can share the funds and use in investment of our choice.Due to the sensitive nature of my job, I need a foreigner to HELP claim the
funds.
All that is required is for you to provide me your details
for processing of the necessary legal, and administrative claim
documents for transfer of the funds to you.
Provide me with your full name, address, and telephone/fax.
I will pay the required fees to move this funds from SWITZERLAND to the FINANCE/SECURITY
FIRM that you will now HANDOVER the funds to you to ensure that the fund
is HANEDDOVER to a safe person, in the EUROPE, and you can now start investing
the funds gradually and transferring to your country and other banks of choice
in the world.
My share will be 60 percent and your share is 40 per cent of the total amount.
THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.
You can find additional information about unclaimed funds through the internet
at the following websites:
www.swissbankclaims.com
www.avotaynu.com
www.icheic.org
www.livingheirs.com
www.wiesenthal.com
The Holocaust Claims Processing Office has put funds in Escrow awaiting submission
of valid claims for necessary disbursement.
I find myself priviledged to have this information and this may be a great
opportunity for a life time of success without risks.
Thank you for your prompt response.
Ddue to security reasons, reply to my via email only.
You may reply to
me securely:( [email]richardstilone@plasa.com[/email] )
Dr.Richard Stilone
Domain Registry Of America / Liberty Names of America
As I’ve warned customers in the past, DO NOT make a payment to renew your domain name through the Domain Registry of America, or ANYONE ELSE for that matter. The letter you received is trying to get you to switch services to them, NOT a bill to protect you from losing your domain name. They are not your provider, but you may mistakenly think they are.
They are under investigation by the FTC and have lost a couple of court battles over this practice of theirs.
A letter I emailed their sales staff:
Listen up you Scam-holes:
One of my clients (a LAW PROFESSIONAL’S ORGANIZATION) almost switched to you by mistake, until I alerted them to your scam.* I used to getting your crap in my PO Box, but tired of you targeting my clients.* Your bull about not intentionally scamming obviously doesn’t hold water when reasonable people (under definition of law) are misled.
I will be posting information on your scam shortly on our consumer education site, www.GeeksBearingGifts.com, and there’s not a damn thing you’re going to do about it.* Consider yourself served.
I received a response (rather polite considering) from a representative of Domain Registry of America (DROA), who expressed an interest in rebuttal or explanation of their position here on the forums, to which I extended a heartily warm invitation.
In the meantime, I have done some research and found that MANY companies like Kentropolis have posted similar warnings regarding domain name “slamming” from DROA. Often listed were other companies I have had such problems with, including Register.Com and Verisign.
There were very little hard facts about the details of the DROA’s practices, but opinions abound. However, here are two articles that are not editorials.
(1) The settlement (not an actual ruling / judgement) by the FTC, which can be found directly on their website at … http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2003/12/domainreg.htm, titled Court Bars Canadian Company from Misleading Consumers in Marketing of Internet Domain Name Services.
(2) The court ruling in favor of Register.Com against DROA … http://www.whois.sc/news/2002-12/registry-america.html, titled Register.com Wins Stay Against Domain Registry of America.
Apparently, there have been various beefs about DROA’s marketing practices over the last couple of years, even before they changed to their current name. And even after the FTC’s statement of “keeping an eye on them” the complaints abound.
I will be very interested in hearing the other side of the story, and have a lot of specific questions that when answered would give people an honest opportunity to decide for themselves — is DROA slamming or not?
