Computing Humor

Making fun of computing, Bill & Microsoft, and other technology, all in good fun.

You might want to copypasta this for use in Social Media …

n00b on a whiteboard

n00b on a whiteboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

[_] Clueless n00b
[_] Lamer
[_] Flamer
[_] Pervert
[_] Sexist
[_] Spammer
[_] Racist
[_] Dumbass
[X] Waste of Life
[_] Other: __________________

You are being flamed because:
[X] You obviously don´t know anything about the topic at hand.
[X] You started a pointless thread.
[_] You bumped a pointless thread.
[_] Your post contained nothing but crap.
[_] You can´t spell more than 3 words right.
[_] Your awful markup made the post unreadable.
[X] You made a useless assumption.
[_] YoU tYpEd SoMeThInG lAmE lIkE tHiS.
[_] You say you´re “1337”.
[_] You posted a topic that´s been posted 50 times already.

As punishment, you must:
[X] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea of what you´re doing.
[_] Stab yourself in the eye with a pen.
[_] Give up your internet account.
[_] Eat paint chips for the next 6 months.
[X] Make your home page.
[_] Jump into a bathtub with a toaster.

Our old humor page …

Bad Domain Names

These are not what you think …

Error 404 Pages

First, Mine, of course, from

ERROR 404 – File Not Found


No there is no page here. There is no page within a hundred kilobytes of here.

I am not worried. And neither should you be.

In fact, as we speak, viruses are committing suicide outside the firewall of this server, and we encourage them to continue doing so.

There is only truth HERE. Al the rest is lies! Lies! Lies!


News Flash: Lucky Email Not Forwarded with No Ill Results

I got an email with the warning below about a week ago, never showed another soul, and I’m still here. In fact, life is Good.

[SIZE=4][COLOR=#990033][FONT=Arial]Read Alone…..

Especially the Poem

[COLOR=#990033][FONT=Arial]I believe whatever God has in store for [/COLOR][/FONT]
us will be for us.

The poem is very true, unfortunately.

[COLOR=#990033][FONT=Arial]Make sure you read the poem! [/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, [/COLOR][/FONT]
for her boyfriend of three years,
David Marsden, to propose to her.
Then one day when she was out

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]to lunch David proposed! [/COLOR][/FONT]

She accepted, but then had to leave
because she had a meeting in 20 min.
When she got to her office,
she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail’s.
She checked it, the usual stuff

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]from her friends, but then she saw one [/COLOR][/FONT]
that she had never gotten before.

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]It was this poem. She simply deleted it [/COLOR][/FONT]
without even reading all of it.

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, [/COLOR][/FONT]
she received a phone call from the police
It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident

[COLOR=#ff9999][FONT=Arial]with an 18 wheeler. He didn’t survive! [/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=#66cc66][FONT=Arial]CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem[/COLOR][/FONT]
and being the believer that she was
she sent it to a few of her friends but

[COLOR=#66cc66][FONT=Arial]didn’t have enough e-mail addresses to send out [/COLOR][/FONT]
the full 10 that you must.

Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball. [/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=#66cc66][FONT=Arial]Later that night when she left to get to her car, [/COLOR][/FONT]
she was killed in that spot by a

[COLOR=#66cc66][FONT=Arial]hit-and-run drunk driver. [/COLOR][/FONT]

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out
within 45 minutes of reading it.
Not even 4 hours later walking along the street
to his new job interview with a really big company,
when he ran into Cynthia Bell,
his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him

[COLOR=#993399][FONT=Arial]and told him of her passionate crush on him [/COLOR][/FONT]
that she had had for 2 years.
Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.

Cynthia and Richard are still married
with three children, happy as ever!

[FONT=Arial]This is the poem:[/FONT]




Abbott and Costello

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch “Who's on first?” might have turned out something like this today:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue “w” if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1”.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”……….

{author unknown}

Computing Then, and Now

What computers will be like in 2004 …

And I agree with them – boy I wish it were “economically feasible” to have this in MY home!

Microsoft Soup

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

Computer Haiku

I don't know to to attribute to these, as they have been published in so many places, often with conflicting names. Please don't sue me … just enjoy.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Green Eggs and RAM

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

When your system’s gone ker-whumpus, and your hard drive’s gone berserk,
And the ether on the net makes your mouse real slow to work,
We request that you remember, next time your system’s froze,

– Attributed to an unusually large percentage of any given person on planet Earth